I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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