he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
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Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
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No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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