After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize