I'm so fucking centered right now
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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