Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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