She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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