thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
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Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
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I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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