you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Randomize
