I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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