Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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