Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
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are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Of course I have a pirate flag
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it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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