fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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