3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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