I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
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But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
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The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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