I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
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Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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