I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
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Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
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He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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