I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
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I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
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No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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