I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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