My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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