just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize