She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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