We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize