Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
