just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
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Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
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What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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