i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize