Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
There's always time for handjobs
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize