It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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