woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
why is half of my head shaved?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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