i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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