Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
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oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
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Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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