We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
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I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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I'm way too hungover for life right now
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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