I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
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Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
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Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
His nipple licking is glorious
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