as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
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Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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