this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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