I will die if light touches me.
Soap is not a condiment
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
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I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
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Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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