btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
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So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
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Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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