Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
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It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
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I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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