Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
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So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
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I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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