I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She needs sedatives and a leash
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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