hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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