We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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