Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My ass is underappreciated
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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