I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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