Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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