btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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