last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
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Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
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I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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