State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
