How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
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Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
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I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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