I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
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Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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