Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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